Darwin awards text from this excellent funny site (lots of good pics too):
http://www.strangecosmos.com/read.adp?joke_id=3836
- Finally - The 2002 Darwin Awards!!!!!!
Yes, the one we've all been waiting for - the 2002 Darwin Awards. The candidates have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, it's an annual honor given to the person who provided the Universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting KILLED in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event!
THE CANDIDATES:
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8 foot deep hole he dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel Jones, 21,dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom on Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at the hospital.
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burgling. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet, Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet, Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.
6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville,Del,as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
HONORABLE MENTIONS
1. In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22 caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.
3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife, Bonnie, was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 a.m., the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.
THE RUNNER UP - FROM TACOMA, WA: Jerome Nottage had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Nottage, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Nottage's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Nottage, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Nottage's foot was never located.
AND FINALLY, THE WINNER - FROM PADERBORN, GERMANY:
Overzealous zoo keeper, Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant, Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective, Erik Dern."With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that could happen to anyone.
darwin awards
You really find this funny? Personally, I think that it is dangerous to take these things lightly and have our attention drawn to such destructive and unfortunate events. I humbly suggest that this thread be erased and that something more consructive be put in its place, but that is just imho... 
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: eliam on 2003-01-19 01:32 ]</font>
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: eliam on 2003-01-19 01:32 ]</font>
Perhaps by your wink you're not really offended ?
But in case you are, I think the defence of this is the name of the awards: The Darwin Awards.
If stupidity and ignorance have no penalty then our species will really start to go downhill. Some of these stories are tragic, but most of them are examples of complete and utter morons. And fools sometimes meet a fools death.
Just to be controversial, I think this is like rescuing whales. What a waste of time ! if we continue to pull idiotic whales back into the ocean then we'll contribute to the "dumbing down" of whales. Eventually whales will be so stupid that they'll always be beaching themselves and their survival will depend on rescue teams of humans pushing them out to sea.
But in case you are, I think the defence of this is the name of the awards: The Darwin Awards.
If stupidity and ignorance have no penalty then our species will really start to go downhill. Some of these stories are tragic, but most of them are examples of complete and utter morons. And fools sometimes meet a fools death.
Just to be controversial, I think this is like rescuing whales. What a waste of time ! if we continue to pull idiotic whales back into the ocean then we'll contribute to the "dumbing down" of whales. Eventually whales will be so stupid that they'll always be beaching themselves and their survival will depend on rescue teams of humans pushing them out to sea.
Good. 
With people from all over the world on the Z it's a miracle that more people aren't offended !
I think story #1 is quite tragic:
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Because at some terrible moment you would realise that you didn't just lose your carkeys, you are in fact in danger of a terrible death. That moment of drastic change must be truly awful.
As for Russian roulette - well, you know what you're doing eh?
Criminals meeting some horrible fate makes me feel good, that there is justice in the world
But the guy who bungee-jumped using wire cabling !
Complete idiot. His friends must have been just as stupid. Did no one think ?
And the story about the guy buried in the sand - that happens reasonably often. It happened a few months ago not far from where I live to some English tourists who let their kid dig a hole. Very, very sad.
But then Europeans do tend to die in Australia. They under-estimate distances, or temperatures, or assume "someone will happen along" whereas in fact they are way out in the outback with the nearest twon hundreds of kilometres away. They swim in rivers infested with crocodiles; at beaches with deadly stinging jellyfish. It also amazes me how they all seem to like getting sunburnt ! They will spend hours in the sun and turn painfully red and seem to think this is good
A wonderful world
With people from all over the world on the Z it's a miracle that more people aren't offended !I think story #1 is quite tragic:
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Because at some terrible moment you would realise that you didn't just lose your carkeys, you are in fact in danger of a terrible death. That moment of drastic change must be truly awful.
As for Russian roulette - well, you know what you're doing eh?
Criminals meeting some horrible fate makes me feel good, that there is justice in the world
But the guy who bungee-jumped using wire cabling !
Complete idiot. His friends must have been just as stupid. Did no one think ?And the story about the guy buried in the sand - that happens reasonably often. It happened a few months ago not far from where I live to some English tourists who let their kid dig a hole. Very, very sad.
But then Europeans do tend to die in Australia. They under-estimate distances, or temperatures, or assume "someone will happen along" whereas in fact they are way out in the outback with the nearest twon hundreds of kilometres away. They swim in rivers infested with crocodiles; at beaches with deadly stinging jellyfish. It also amazes me how they all seem to like getting sunburnt ! They will spend hours in the sun and turn painfully red and seem to think this is good
A wonderful world
-
Neil B
It could happen to anyone?On 2003-01-18 23:03, Spirit wrote:
"With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that could happen to anyone.
How many members of PlanetZ have given an elephant an olive oil enema?
Neil B
And a few quick jokes:
> What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a
> sharp knife.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
> and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a
> year, the dog is still excited to see you.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The
> same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
> driving.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the
> dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has
> the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mom.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> How do you know when you're really ugly? Dogs hump your leg with
> their eyes closed.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life? When a
> nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, what do single guys
> have? Palm Sunday.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts? Her navel.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? Bingo
> machine.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has
> the pricks on the outside.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people could have sex, too.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? Are you
> sure it's mine?"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are
> $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the
> same DNA.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby? They
> named him Sum Ting Wong.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
> other? A speech impediment.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have
> eyes.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A
> pimp.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car only
> on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday,
> the Sex Ed class uses it.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo? A
> Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage,
> along with a recipe.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What's the Cuban National Anthem? Row, row, row your boat.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern
> fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A
> Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a
> sharp knife.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
> and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a
> year, the dog is still excited to see you.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The
> same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
> driving.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the
> dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has
> the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mom.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> How do you know when you're really ugly? Dogs hump your leg with
> their eyes closed.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life? When a
> nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, what do single guys
> have? Palm Sunday.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts? Her navel.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? Bingo
> machine.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has
> the pricks on the outside.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people could have sex, too.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? Are you
> sure it's mine?"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are
> $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the
> same DNA.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby? They
> named him Sum Ting Wong.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
> other? A speech impediment.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have
> eyes.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A
> pimp.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car only
> on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday,
> the Sex Ed class uses it.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo? A
> Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage,
> along with a recipe.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What's the Cuban National Anthem? Row, row, row your boat.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern
> fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A
> Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-
siberiansun
- Posts: 437
- Joined: Tue Oct 01, 2002 4:00 pm
- Location: Sweden
keep 'em coming spirit!!
regarding the "darwin awards", if people die or get injured it sure is no laughing matter but it do happen and there's nothing anyone can do about it.
if it happens in a "funny" or unusual way... well it's one of those things you just can't help giggle at.
a typical hard to translate swedish saying:
"well if it isn't one thing it's sure another", said the girl who got a nose-bleed.
yeah i know. sorry.
regarding the "darwin awards", if people die or get injured it sure is no laughing matter but it do happen and there's nothing anyone can do about it.
if it happens in a "funny" or unusual way... well it's one of those things you just can't help giggle at.
a typical hard to translate swedish saying:
"well if it isn't one thing it's sure another", said the girl who got a nose-bleed.
yeah i know. sorry.